Poetry: Robert Hogg
Amber Alert – after W.H. Auden
It was a day like any
other you know
the kind the poet
wrote about
people
going about their business
maiming and killing
each other the usual
stuff and today I wake
up groggy as usual
repeating myself
chug down a cuppa
java take a
shower dry off
and pat my balls
with baby powder used
to be talc you know
the scandal but that’s
neither here nor
there just another
thing of the past
to put you off track
when the real calamity
is down past my belly
now oversized and no
damned business being there
and my dong’s gone
I kid you not
I’m looking
everywhere
hard as I can
put on my glasses feel
around and so help me
it’s nowhere to be found
I begin to panic
wouldn’t you
but then remember
this isn’t the first dick’s
gone missing but hey
those were all cool
Trickster myths from Sandy
Lake and other
Indigenous tales
I don’t dare reach
for anymore so what
am I to do I put out
an S.O.S. to the local
police It’s at least
an Amber Alert
I say What’s your name
she says and that’s when
I hang up Another crank
call I hear her say
under her breath
which smells like tulips
but I don’t expect
you’ll believe that
impossible thought
so naturally I do
what any lop-sided
bopper wd do and hop
on Facebook
post my plight
but O God the story
goes viral people all over
the world are writing in
to say they’ve found
a missing prick one
wch is probably fake reads
DOWNTOWN HONG KONG
MIRACULOUS DONG
FOUND GROWING
FROM GROUND BELOW
ATTEMPTS TO PENETRATE
PENTHOUSE BALCONY
DWELLER THREATENS
TO CHOP DOWN IF NOT
CLAIMED IMMEDIATELY
but no phone number it must be
mine I think
intuitively but what
can I do trapped
on my farm middle
of nowhere Canada
planning to go
cut wood
a day like any other
people
going about their business
axe in hand
just like the poet said
Your iPhone is saving your pictures to the iCloud library. This could take some time.
Siri when I
die you can
beam me up
to that Library
in the Sky
if that’s allowed
And don’t forget
those 44 virgins
you promised
to upload
Not much fun
living in a cloud
that might explode
Unpredictable Forecast
Hey Siri what’s
the weather
Minus 23
and snow
squalls
better
put on
some pants
or freeze
your balls
I think
she said